After writing about Mr Intense, I need a mad break from it all. So please welcome my guest of the wee, Magpie, who fills us in on her experience of online dating!
So here’s the deal: After a long arse break up and several months of pure celibacy I was wasting away and I mean physically wasting away; there was a high chance my genitalia had just decided to shrivel away and drop off. But how the hell do you go out and meet men when the last time you attempted anything of the sort you were studying for your A-Levels??
The author of a certain blog suggested I try internet dating. Her friend had ventured into it and was now being whisked away on dates several nights a week! It appealed to me because it meant I could flirt whilst lying in bed looking like total shit and gorging on Toblerone. Minimum effort and maximum gain (or something to that effect). So I signed up to the free version of the site, wrote a little paragraph about myself which basically told guys not to bother if they were the sensitive type as I didn’t have the time or patience to entertain a wet blanket and waited.
I spent the next few nights checking out what this site had to offer and for a lover of brown meat I gotta say the pickings were SLIM, maybe they should set up an urbanmatch.com for those who share my passion. I was however pleasantly surprised with the amount of attention I was getting and even sent out a few winks myself and by Friday night I had substantial inbox of unread mail. There were two guys in particular that seemed… well… normal and good looking so I took the plunge and paid the necessary £5 for a week of full access.
The messages in my inbox ranged from men explicitly asking for sex to pages and pages of deep and meaningful paragraphs trying to convince me that I was their soul mate. In the end I got chatting to GymStar787; as the name would suggest he was a personal trainer (good body) with his own business (not on benefits) and his own house (fiscally responsible). He seemed genuinely interested in my life and we messaged for a while before exchanging numbers and arranging a date at Yo! Sushi.
We met at Piccadilly Circus 2 weeks after initial contact. To say I fancied him would be an overstatement BUT I was trying to be less picky AND he honestly was the one of the best of a particularly bad bunch, PLUS there was the body. Picture a muscled, modern day Malcolm X and you’ve got a pretty accurate visual. I was quietly freaking out because I’m not the most accomplished chopstick user so instead of looking like a fool later I decided to be upfront with him:
Me: So I’m just gonna put it out there, I’m not too great with the ole chopsticks so I might have to ask for cutlery.
Him: Me neither, I mean why do they use chopsticks anyway? Get with the times!
I should have walked away there and then but I was planning on going clubbing later and didn’t fancy drinking on an empty stomach, particularly if the food filling it was going to be free. Instead I tried to calmly explain that the use of chopsticks was an integral part of Oriental culinary culture rather than an evolutionary fail. It was downhill from there…
Me: So what do your parents do? Do you get on well with them?
Him: No we don’t really talk, my mum did everything for me growing up but I just don’t make the time to talk to her because the conversation is always boring.
Me: Oh… what does your brother do then?
Him: He works for a tobacco company which is just foolish.
Me: How so?
Him: Well its karma isn’t it. Cigarettes kill so he’s probably going to suffer an early death because he’s helping produce them.
Me: So who are your favourite clients when doing personal training?
Him: The pretty ladies are great obviously but it’s all about those gays! They’re always willing to pay a bit more, trust me the Pink Pound is strong!
I mean I would never socialise with them outside of work, I just think their lives should be kept a bit separate but they’re great to train.
Me: So have you been on a lot of dates through the website?
Him: Yeah a couple but the girls always end up being idiots, to be honest I wouldn’t have been that bothered if you hadn’t turned up.
To make matters worse he spent the whole time complaining about how uncomfortable his seat was whilst trying to order a JD and coke… from Yo Sushi… yes this is a true story -____-
Thankfully we both decided to skip dessert…
Him: So you want to get a drink somewhere?
Me: I’ve actually got a friends’ birthday to go to tonight, I think he’s going clubbing somewhere in central.
Him: Oh great it’s been a long time since I busted some moves!
(Did this douche really just invite himself to a party and use the phrase ‘busted some moves’ in the same sentence?? It appears so…)
Me: Actually it’s a pretty full on gay club, I’m not sure you would like it.
Him: Yeah you’re right, maybe another time.
He texted me a couple of times over the next few days and sent an email. I wasn’t going to reply but I ended up feeling bad and thought it would at least be courteous to let him know where he stood. His email read something like this:
Hey, I had a really good time the other night and you seem like a cool chick. I would like to see you again but if you would rather we just stayed friends that’s ok too xxx
Hiya, it was nice meeting you too and thank you for the dinner but I do think it would be better if we were just friends :)
Says it all really doesn’t it. To be honest with a response like that I was half expecting him to jump out of a dark corner wielding chopsticks ready to stab me in the eyes.
Note to self: don’t be less picky!