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M.E.L.A.N.I.E

The Vans Guy


I like my guy to be assertive. Sexually agressive. Charming. Chivalrous. Handsome.

You would think with that specific checklist, every guy I meet and choose to spend my time with meets the criteria. Dear readers, that’s really not the case, and I rarely get to tick all of those boxes.

I had a date planned with a guy I’d been chatting to on Bumble for about 48 hours.

I’d purposely made plans that evening, so if the date was shit, I could prance off to have a good night out with my friends.

So imagine my face when I met one that made me put my list down and pay attention! I’m sitting in a booth and this handsome Italian guy walks up to me. Good hair, good teeth, great smile! (Could have been taller, but I tend to attract the 5’8″ of the world, at peace with it!)

There were no concerns about having to make excuses to try and leave the date early. We were having a great time, so good we even ended up taking a polaroid selfie! He was a charming chatterbox and I didn’t want the date to end and neither did he.

He was so confident, he decided to delete Bumble from my phone and said “you won’t need it anymore” – bold move pal.

I was already 1 hour late to meet the team and he was doing his best to convince me to ditch them and continue the night with him. He wouldn’t have had to try very hard but I managed to tear myself away. I had to leave.

Our first date included us passionately kissing in the bar, outside and then on the way to the station. *massive grin on my face* – I loved it!

When I turned up at Bounce in Old Street, 2 hours after the agreed meet time, I was given a grilling, not because I was super late and tipsy, but because my hair was dishevelled…Oops. (Note to self, look in a mirror more often!)

I spent the rest of the evening with a smile on my face and hair out of place.**

(**Not really, I fixed my hair, but it read really nicely.)

We spent the best part of 2 months hanging out together having a good time and I didn’t even bother downloading Bumble again after that first date!

During said time…those pesky red flags came up didn’t they. UGH.

  1. He smoked IN bed and in his room  (I got him to stop that straight away)
  2. The topic of my blog came up. His reaction was most unpleasant! He wasn’t down for me to be blogging about people. We had to agree to disagree as we got into a teeny tiny little argument a bout it..How ironic that I am writing about him now…
  3. He decided to call me out on what he thought were my flaws. Well why thank you sir, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear on a date, waiting for my food to arrive, of how you think I am crap. (I internalised my upset and added that to the things that I know is wrong with me but I will probably do nothing about because it’s my goddamn personality.)
  4. Finding it absolutely hilarious that a waitress asked him why whenever he comes to this particular restaurant, he is always with a different girl and proceeds to find it SO FUNNY that he must share this piece of information with me. (Our first date was where I’ve been on countless of dates, don’t see me telling you asshole!)
  5. He stepped on my vans.

The funny thing is, him stepping on my Vans was the red flag that I couldn’t get over. The nail in the coffin some might say. Call me silly, shallow, stupid. But, I just couldn’t make sense of him doing that and I couldn’t get my head around it.

WHO GOES AROUND STEPPING ON PEOPLE’S SHOES ON PURPOSE? TELL ME!

His reaction, was arrogant and bewildering. He just wasn’t sorry, he said he saw that I had new shoes on and thought it would be funny to step on them. He wasn’t about to apologise and he didn’t give a shit if it annoyed me. His words, not mine.

He went on to say that he’s done it before, and he’ll do it again. Serial shoe stepper!

I didn’t really fancy him after that..his bad attitude was the biggest turn off. We agreed to call it quits and by agree, we just didn’t speak to each other after a while.

He was all those things that were on my checklist; Sexually agressive. Charming. Chivalrous. Handsome but dammit, his attitude stank and realistically, we were never on the same page about life/values. It was genuinely fun whilst it lasted and I guess we both knew it would be a short term thing. The polaroid has now been slotted into my photo album for memories-sake!

My initial thought was to jump back on Bumble, but instead, I deleted myself from it completely and decided to give dating up for a while. The checklist has been filed away and shenanigans should cease.

What will I do with myself without dating? I suppose you’ll just have to keep reading…

 

 

 

 

Featured post

The One Where I Ignored The Flags


Set the scene:

It’s 7pm, Shepherds Bush Station (Central Line).

I get to the station and I can’t spot tonight’s date in the crowd. It’s so busy, so I call him.

I find him eventually, he’s handsome and super tall, this is great. I approach him, all smiles and go to hug him.

He goes stiff and comes out with “I don’t do that kind of stuff.”

Erm…..ooookaayyyy then. Flag.

I ask him where are we going and he tells me he knows just the place, a pub on Uxbridge Road.

Hmm. He hasn’t picked the more obvious choices nearby. Odd. Defectors Weld? Sindercombe Social, I mean even ye olde faithful, “The Bull”.

Flag.

As we walk, we ask each other a few standard Qs’s,  a joke is made and his reaction is to punch my arm.

WTF? Is this an episode of Friends? Flag .

He does this one more time and I ask him to not do that, ever, because I don’t like it.

We are STILL walking…where the hell is he taking me. I find it odd that we are walking this far down into Shepherds Bush, no-one goes this far down…

We finally get to the Pub and as I knock back the pinot, I quickly start to forget all about those flags.

We chat and we flirt. We drink more wine whilst he says interesting things mixed in with a few arrogant things. He tells a few crap jokes followed by decent chat. He leans in a little, I pull away.

We’re on our 2nd bottle of wine now,  the flirting increases and we get a little bit more comfortable on the sofa. We get close, real close and then we kiss a little…and then kiss a little more.

He goes bold and asks me if I want to go back to his place, it was nearby. He did mention earlier that he had his own place and he didn’t care about having to spend more money in order to have his own space.

So with caution thrown to the wind, we leave the pub. When he said he didn’t live far,  he wasn’t bloody joking. He actually lived across the road from the pub…The warning flags start to come back out…

I’m very tipsy at this point and I’m curious to see his place. He unlocks the door and we walk through the hallway.

He shows me where the bathroom is…and then opens the door to his space. “Let me give you a tour.”

When he was bragging about living on his own and was happy to spend extra cash to have that privacy, I was thinking a cute, cosy but spacious apartment. Enough room to swing a cat or have a sex party that included hanging from faux chandeliers from IKEA.

My idea was far from reality. As I stood in the doorway, I was confused. It was so small. Teeny tiny humans would have struggled to make this a home let alone a guy who was 5 foot fucking 6.

I look to the left, the ladder to his bed bunk bed. I look to the right, his kitchen and straight in front of me was a desk. Where on earth were we supposed to have a good time exactly? I can assure you, not on any level would I have climbed up a ladder to get in his bed.

I sober up, very quickly. I don’t want to be here. How do I do this? How do i get myself out of this situation?

He grabs a bottle of wine out of the fridge and pours me a glass. He kisses me, my eyes are wide open and my brain is failing me. Why am I still in this guy’s room? Why am I kissing him back? Why do I have wine?

He needs the toilet – I hope it’s a genuine need for a wee and not a let me clean my dick because I’m about to get lucky situation.

I pour my glass of wine down the sink and I get ready to leave whilst assessing where the would be weapons are in the room and how to get at them should this end badly.

He comes back in and tries to get all dominant – would have loved that, had I not been totally repulsed by the situation I had put myself in.

I tell him I need to go, it’s late and I have work in the morning. He seems to think he can change my mind.. #NoMeansNo

As I make my escape I tell myself off for being reckless. As I stroll home, I fill the girls in, I reflect on the flags and the serial killer vibes that were screaming at me. Safe to say I have no desire of ever seeing or speaking to again.

I never messaged him and there was no message from him that night, or the next night.

Then a few days later I got a text from him “hey – had a really great time, would like to see you again..”

Hmm…sorry pal, that’s a no from me.

Moral of this tale: Never ignore the flags. Drink responsibly.

1st January 2017


I’d like to say I am not one to regularly get caught up in my feelings, but after having re-watched the episode of Glee, when Kurt’s dad and Finn’s mom get married; there I was, fully stationed at emotion junction.

After 3 years of sharing my life with someone, 2016 was my first year single. I have just turned closer to 30 and I am living in the home I grew up in. Who would want to actually marry me now?

Date me, sure, I am a freakin’ good time, but to actually spend the rest of their life with me, start a family, die with me? (All subject to terms and conditions, obviously!) – On the shelf I will stay.

Everyone getting engaged this winter has just reaffirmed that I am on the path to being that “Favourite Aunt”. You know the one, that has the best stories of when she went to that party, woke up with Mars ice-cream in her hands, hair and bed because she’s a goddam mess! (True story)

Should I just call it quits? Forget about ever finding someone? I can’t even say let me go buy my cats now because I hate cats and my mum is “allergic”.

I wiped my tears away and took a deep breath. Despite a case of heartbreak avenue at the end of 2015, I can say 2016 has been a blast. – A few ups and downs and it was a bit touch and go when I contracted Influenza mid-way through December, but STILL HERE!

I won’t waste anymore tears or time worrying about the state of my future love life! I just need to concentrate on the here and now.

Let us raise a glass to 2016 whilst giving a shoutout to 2017.

2017

 

 

 

IRL


Tinder, Bumble & Happn.

2016 and single, this is what I am working with.

I’ve had people say to me before, Mel, what you doing on a dating app? You can get someone no problem.

1st of all, if I had to rely on getting someone to walk up to me and sweep me off my feet based solely on my looks, I would remain single for a very long time. 2nd of all…yeah, please refer to my 1st of all.

In Real Life, the options are being chatted up at a bar, street or work;

The guy at the bar is only interested on where I’ll end up later that night.

The guy on the street is trying to sell me drugs or telling me to “smile, it could be worse” – yeah mate, it’s worse. I’m single, 20-something but closer to the 30-something and I live at home. It’s worse.

The guy at work is married or having sex with the girl from work who everybody thinks is hot, but she a nice from far, far from nice type of girl.

In the virtual world, there seems to be an allusion that you somewhat know what you are getting into and for a dating pro such as myself, this is just easier..I think.

Tinder – Find someone on here, basically looking for a hook up. In this day and age, you aren’t on Tinder to find the love of your life. If you are, you are the exception, not the rule.

Happn – To find people that you cross paths with and by cross paths, I mean come across all the men that walk past your house or that you’ve walked past in Westfield.

Bumble – Why hello! Find good looking men and if you match, I have to message him first and throw in some time restrictions for the buzz. Let the anxiety begin!

What I’m trying to get at is dating IRL is hard. It is easier, to whack up some photos of you looking your best, add a witty line or 2 about how I am yet to meet someone as funny or funnier than me and bam, a dating profile is born (again).

I guess we will see…

M x

 

 

Game Over


At what point after a breakup should you move on?

1 month, 6 months, 1 year?

Apparently they say that you need to halve the length of your relationship and that is how much time you need.

Oops.

When things aren’t going great, have you ever felt vulnerable and all you want is reassurance that everything will turn out ok? Yeah, I hear you, I hear that urge. So you pluck up the courage and give your boyfriend ex-boyfriend a little Whatsapp to be met with a response that cuts like a Flat Iron steak knife. Sharp.

“What don’t you understand about space?”

Ouch.

I understand that I am single now and I raise your rejection with Tinder.

*Opens App store > types in Tinder > presses Get > opens Tinder > creates profile > swipes right*

IDC


I spent the last 9 months being mindful that I shouldn’t blog on WOTB, for fear I could hurt my ex’s feelings with my words.

No-one wants to know what their ex gets up to, let alone read it on their blog that is basically about dating!

I was so concerned about his feelings that I went to the trouble of creating a brand new blog, made it anonymous and shared it on the pretence it was someone else.

But why though?

It was more hassle than it was worth and I don’t see why I should put myself out any longer.

So tonight, in bed, full of a cold and feeling quite irritated at the fact that I felt I should have to do that, I have made the decision that IDC.

I don’t care anymore and I actually don’t want to live my life, concerned with what he might think about me. If you don’t want to know or read about it, don’t click on http://www.wordontheb.wordpress.com – just don’t do it. Work on that self-control papi.

My blog isn’t about you and how you feel about me dating after we’ve split up. It is not about me trying to purposefully hurt your feelings. It is about me, my life and how I enjoy writing about it!

So basically, the point of this post is to say, I’m back on WOTB and I will bring over the posts that I wrote and share them on here.

I hope you enjoy xx

IDC
IDC

 

Dear Diary – 14th June


Today was a hectic day at work. No doubt. I finished it with a stroll home, shades on and feeling mighty fly.

I touch my fob to the main entrance to what was a once notorious estate that the police would rather not frequent, to what is now an estate that police have no issues coming into because there are sill f*cking trouble makers lurking around.

I can’t even call them youths, I’ll call them urban street walkers and they are, quite frankly, pieces of shit that need to go home and watch a wholesome telenovela like Jane the Virgin.

I digress.

So I get in, I put my PJs on, try on my new Kylie Lip Kits that arrived today, and WhatsApp my amazing MUA heaux, filling her in on my scientific findings.

I then rustle up a little Chicken Cesar Salad for dinner, just in time for Love Island. (Nathan and Cara for the win, despite Terry being a sexy piece of man meat) – I love to tweet live whilst watching Love Island – hit me up; @melaniecarlos

Once ArgueIsland was over, I washed up my dishes, cut up some veg for work time snacks (no more sugary/fatty snacks for me!) and then headed back to my room.

Hopefully I’m not alone in my next sentence, but you know when you just find yourself on Instagram, scrolling through your feed. Do you ever find yourself on your own photos? Scrolling back through time to to see how you’ve progressed as an international award winning insta-photographer of food, friends and importantly, yourself? Well that was me tonight.

I found myself transported back to 2014 at a picture of me and my ex boyfriend at a wedding.

We’ve been apart for around 6 months and that picture hadn’t evoked any emotion before…But tonight? Tonight it did.

Why?

If anyone has the answer to this, it’d be great to know, because up until now, I definitely felt that the right decision had been made. Was I wrong?

Was I just feeling emotional from watching Love Island? Seeing all those sexy couples, being affectionate towards each other. Maybe I’m just missing the companionship and the mutual feeling of adoration.

Was it because I was listening to Beyonce’s Lemonade and she’s got me feeling all kind of ways?

The crippling doubts start to creep back…Keep it together Mel. Nothing wrong with a little stroll down memory lane.

You got this.

Or do I?

Ready, set, delete.

BLOODY HELL


cropped-img_2293.jpg

The last couple months have been something…I spent the last 2 weeks really THINKING about life.

As a result, 20 minutes ago, I made a decision that would affect my immediate future. I was confident with my decision and I was ready to get ready for work tomorrow with that in mind.

I turn on my overused and yet weirdly neglected MacBook Pro and clickety click onto WordPress. (I use Google Chrome; incase you wanted to really know how I do)

I struggle for about 10 minutes, as I try to remember my password. It’s been a bloody age since I actually pressed the “Publish” button.

I’m in. Title, done. Today’s date, Sunday…wait, WHAT, it is Saturday, 2nd January 2016. It is not Sunday. I do not have work tomorrow. Tomorrow is not Monday.

Oh shit.

So the decision that I made, is it still valid? I have an extra day to mull it over. 85% of me knows the way Monday will play out… But what if I change my mind in 24 hours?

Bloody hell indeed…

 

The Year Is Still Young


Almost 4 months into 2015, and what do I have to show for myself?

I haven’t been to the gym since January, I am eating junk food as if I am back in 2012 and I am not quite sure what is happening to Word on the Blog.

Have I lost my way? Duh -of course I have. All the things I used to enjoy, I no longer do. Out of laziness? Too busy/preoccupied? Whatever the reason, they are all excuses.

I meet new people all the time and tell them of the blog that once was, and they only have encouraging words to say;

“I hope you get back into it…”

“Don’t lose it…Keep writing!”

“You just need to find something else to write about!”

If only it was that easy…

Well the year is young so I still have time to turn things around!

I can tell you the positives so far! I left my old company, for a new company 7 months ago. I then got the opportunity for a career change and I have taken it and heading back to my old stomping ground to get it started.  So here is to a fresh, new and exciting new start, but with my former company!

As I write this post, it has been 2 years since I first met my knight in shining armour and I couldn’t be happier! 🙂

I have been dedicating a lot of time to American Television. I think it’s best to join me on my already completed journey with How To Get Away With Murder, Empire and Jane the Virgin.

Let’s hope that I will cut down on the TV, get out and about and tune in a lot more to give you updates on me and my journey through 2015!

Kisses

x M x

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