The One About The Gym [Part 1]

Thursday is normally Gym day. You would normally find me in a class after work raving to Jungle Music or shaking my hips to those Reggaeton beats.

Alas, I am ill. Not well enough to head out to the gym nor am I able to shake that ting. My body has failed me and I am bed bound and wondering what I have done in the past week that is punishing me by putting me out of action.

Despite only having been once this week, I remember all to well the characters of my favourite training studio.

Let me start with the bubbly and super friendly receptionist team. Nothing is too much for them. Not even my stupidity when it came to them asking to take a photo of me and me trying to get my driving licence out (provisional) for them to use for the picture. Oh no, it was them, taking a picture of me, standing there, in my yellow canary Zara coat. Thank you, good man. Thank you for catching me unaware, in my gym gear and scraped back hair. Thanks.

After you’ve spent a dying age trying to get your membership card to scan, you get through to the members only area. It’s hit and miss as to whether you will get a whiff of BO. It totally depends on the day. I find Tuesdays to be the stinkiest.

The triumphant walk you take up the stairs to the changing rooms stays with you. Why? Because you’ve made it to the gym and once you enter, there is no turning back!

Pop your shit in the locker, then you head out the back way so you can walk past all the people training and judge them.

The warm up area is my favourite part of the session. Who cannot have a good time watching the vanity girl. She stretches, does a couple of squats, all whilst staying at 0% perspiration, high ponytail in place and pretty. All of this and she manages to check herself out in the mirror. For one second I am envious, then I realise that she’s paying an extortionate amount to stare at herself. -The vanity of today is laughable.

Next up in the warm-up area is the trained ballet dance. He swishes his legs across the floor in such a way that I feel uncomfortable but compelled to look at his lady like butt! How does he get it so perky? In fact, it is always a harsh reminder that I need to do more squats ASAP.

Welcome the 2 girlfriends. Besties for liiiiife. Always together, always looking like they do sweet fuck all. Exercise for goodness sake. Always see them do a few sit ups and a few pumps on the leg machines and then what? The personal trainers are NOT hot so…WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!!?

There is always one smelly guy….he tends to arrive when warm up has finished.

That’s it for now…next time, I will go into depth about the Weight Boys, the Boxers & more!

x M x


The One Where I Joined The Gym’s pretty obvious from this title that I’ve joined the gym.

I’ve not stepped in an establishment that had gym equipment since I was 15 years old and that my readers, is a long, long time ago.

Like most, I’ve made mediocre attempts at staying healthy and fit, but I lost momentum. Apparently, running jogging for 10 minutes isn’t something that my body liked or wanted to do.

But, enough was enough, I’d put off any physical exercise for long enough! February was going to be the month of Gym!

February came and went but eventually I got there. Even after POOR SERVICE from “Better Gyms, Porchester Centre” I decided that I will take my gym-starved body to somewhere closer to my work and home, and bring me closer to beautiful people. Hello, Gymbox.

It all started with a tour round the gym. Maybe it was the architecture (Ben Kelly Design) -the cleanliness of the changing rooms or the pumping atmosphere of the floor.

Whatever it was, I was SOLD!

Bring on the gym selfies, the workout gear, the flashiest water bottles and the surplus photos of my progress.

x M x



That Monday

I woke up this morning, on what the Social Networking world called the most depressing day of the year.

The first thing I thought was, I need to delete the Daily Mail app from my iPhone. No good can come from reading “stories” on how smoking during pregnancy can make your baby gay.

Nope, there is no amount of Kardashian news that will lure me in to that DM life. I put my phone aside and started to get ready for what could possibly have been the best day of my life.

Work started, work continued, until 11:45. 11:45 and JH happened. She brought in the best cookies I have ever tasted in my life. I can’t tell you how inappropriate it was for me to be moaning during the morning meeting but they were just so delicious that I had 3 before 12!

Cherry & Almond cookies?! Say what!? I would never have thought that combination existed, but IT DID! It was so delicious!

“Oh my god these are so good!”

“These taste like they’re from Marks & Spencers!|

NO – I love me some Marks’, but this was better than the baker in best flagship M&S store in the whole of the United Kingdom. Those are some bold statements but I will stick by them.

JH, I liked you before, but I love you now.

So after 3 cookies, Mangos from Tango and a cup of Earl Grey from one of the Half Baked lot, I was ready to finish the day.

But it was only 3pm. Oh Okaaaaaayyyy. I suppose I could fit being fabulous in between work?

The time runs away from me, the clock strikes 5:30, the reports that I’ve written up are sent and I prep myself for a trip to Westfield. I think the least I deserve is a few bath bombs from Lush for what may not have been the best day of my life, but it was definitely one of the best Monday’s at work I’ve had!

I prop my pillows up in bed and place my yellow Macbook on my lap andphoto start tapping out my life story. Let me just quickly, check DM to see what this Serial Killer selfie story is about.

Oh, I said I would delete the app didn’t I…Maybe tomorrow…Hashtag guilty pleasure (I can’t find the symbol on the keyboard yet..)

x Kisses x

The One Where I Got a New MacBook Pro

Am I too materialistic to think that the purchase of a new Macbook Pro will help me put fingers to keyboard and help re-start my love affair with my blog and the English language?

Only time will tell, if I am able to stop abbreviating every word possible and attempt to let the world know that my life has a little more to it than dating disasters and the next instalment of Life with Mum.

In the meantime, I will start tonight by posting this blog whilst watching an episode of Sex & The City (The one where Charlotte marries Harry) and pouring out a large glass of wine.

Mac & Gold HP

If you don’t hear from me tonight, have a lovely evening.

xx Kisses xx

The Orphan [Christmas Eve Edit]

The office is shutting down. The noise coming from the floor is irritatingly clear that no one is working and the last thing that is on my mind, but at the forefront for all is that tomorrow, is Christmas Day.

The mundane questions of “What are you doing for Christmas?” is met with lies, truth or a mixture of the both dependent on what type of mood I was in. My boyfriend has kindly invited me round his for Christmas. *smiles sweetly* Although, this does make me feel like an orphan. No parents or family and the stray has been taken in. So stocked up on gifts in the hope that I can mask my poverty stricken Christmas Ghetto and spread the xmas cheer!

The phones hang up, the PCs are turned off and hugs and kisses all round. I wish everyone a lovely Christmas.

Those with suitcases wheel themselves to the stations or into cabs so they can make their journey to their loved ones. I on the other hand, stroll home and turn that 20 minute journey into a 30 minute one. What am I running home for exactly?

I put in my key to the front door listening out for that familiar sound. The sound of a Festive-less home. I shout out for my brothers and no-one responds. Locked away in their respective rooms doing fuck knows. Gaming? They’re gamers. I would expect nothing less from a 13 and 18 year old.

I check my phone, to see if there is any message from my boyfriend. Nope. Only a few likes on my latest Instagram photos, nothing to make me feel whole or complete.

I take my earrings out and get into my bed with all my clothes on. I lay down and watch the last episode of Homeland and let myself drift of to sleep. Forgetting all my trouble and my woes….

I wake up. It is still Christmas Eve and there is nothing else for me to do apart from have a fajitas without sour cream whilst watching Ja’mie: Private School Girl.

Ja’mie: Private School Girl

I come to the realisation that I am parched. There is no soft drink that will quench my thirst or not rot my teeth so I opt for the more adult option. Mulled Rum Punch. Not just any Mulled Rum Punch, Marks & Spencer’s Mulled Rum Punch.

Pour a mug full of deliciousness with a slice of orange and whack it in the microwave. 60 seconds and I cautiously wrap my lips around the mug and drink up!

Festive bloody greetings to you all!

Think of me whilst you are all with your loved ones. I will be here, alone, at home, tonight, wondering how many mince pies I can eat before starting to feel sick before moving on to my beloved sweet treat of lemon GU cheesecake!

*pours another glass of mulled alcohol*

It’s Christmas now. Feliz Natal para todos! :) This song has me mellowed out, have a listen before you leave.

xx Kisses xx

Happy Christmas Sean, I hope you have the best possible day. Love you loads and I can’t wait to see you. xxxx

The Christmas Edit

8 months later, what has changed apart from the fact that I walked home in plimsolls, and by the time I made it home, my feet were cold and wet as well as my jeans. It was like 1999 where I wet myself all over again. (Just to clarify, 1999 didn’t happen, that sentence was added for affect!)

Winter or some weak version of it is definitely here and I dislike it, pretty much like every year. Once my birthday passes, what else is there exactly to say? Christmas, yay, or in my case, not.

Christmas jumper day? Screw you. More so because my boyfriend gave me sass and didn’t go shopping with me to get our matching Christmas jumper! Pah.

I have snagged myself a keeper and what he doesn’t know is that I previously dabbled in dark magic and he has been slipped a love potion more powerful than what Khloe Kardashian gave Lamar Odom.

Any whoo, I am a year older, and recovering from the fabulous work christmas party and I am doing okay! How many of you had burlesque dancers shaking their titties and winkies in your face!?

I wish I took more pictures to show you but I didn’t, so you will just have to deal with me, in a church, on a ledge, looking fabulous!


Me, green & fab

Me, Green & Fab

(As soon as the clock struck Alcohol’ O’Clock, I couldn’t quite tell you the sequence of events, but know, that everyone had a good time!)

2013, was very different from 2012 and I have to say, for the better! A great night with my work colleagues. It’s been a hell of a year but, I can’t say that I would change a lot. No regrets, just lessons. Blah blah blah insert as many clichés you can about becoming a wiser and stronger person.

Now, let me get into bed, some of us actually have to work tomorrow! ;-P


x Kisses x

XFactor 2.11.2013


XFactor hasn’t quite finished for tonight but I have to come on here and express my distaste at the performances tonight.

Let’s start with little old Luke-doesn’t-wash-his-hair-Friend; The boy doesn’t wash his hair, but I have to say, his performance wasn’t all that bad. I give it a 5/10.

Termera-shop-lifting-Foster: SHE.BORES.ME. Now don’t get me wrong, the Londoner can sing, but she isn’t likeable. I really don’t have anything else to say.

The boy Sam: Why is he here? His pops calling out Gary! Hahah “If it’s about vocals go judge the voice” bwahaha

ImageRough Copy: I love these boys they just have that little bit extra groove to them and I enjoy seeing them perform. If anything, might be the only reason that I watch this season! What makes me love them even more, is that the ever so dashing Gary Barlow loves them! Gary B, making it acceptable for middle class white folk to be fond of a trio of black guys from Croydon!

Abi Alton….let me get this right. Is the XFactor about the vocals or is it about performance or about having that something special? Whatever it is, Abi has a decent little voice, but she bored me. She can only sing one type of way and for me, XFactor has no room for that I am afraid. Be versatile, or be gone!

Nicholas “black eye” McDonald: I don’t really have anything to say about him. He’s young, sings and is Scottish. #forgettable


Hannah “Greggs” Barett: Good performance, but the real question is who is dressing Hannah throughout this series? She’s 17 years old and she is going head to head on the style stakes with Sam Bailey!

Female Sam – After all my negative comments about boy Sam, I am happy to say that girl Sam was fab! Not sure if there is a place for her in the charts, but who cares. Go forth Sam and shake your newly found self in that jumpsuit!

Kinglsand Road, OH GOD. I actually forgot that they even performed. 3 words: It was shit. (How are you going to sing a Michael Jackson song and NOT MOVE?! Don’t care if the James Arthur look-a-like has two left feet.)

WHAT? NO FLASH VOTE?! Not sure what to do with myself, let me find the answer in the fridge.

x M x



I kindly ask that you do not judge me for what I am about to confess…

I was doing so well before I slipped bad and deep back into my habit. The deep dark shameful yet fashionable world of Online Shopping.

I was a new person, I was saving I had extra money, savings aplenty then all of a sudden…..

On the plane back from my holiday with my knight in shining armour, I snapped. The plane hadn’t even had the seatbelt light off when I logged onto the Zara app and purchased a pair of plimsolls I didn’t need.


2 months and 15 online deliveries later, I am popping down to the Post Room and using a god-damn trolley to bring up my latest haul.

One retailer was having 25% off! I mean, I don’t even shop from there but why not? Why not have a browse and see what ways I can destroy my bank account?

Another retailer had 10%, well I hadn’t shopped there is 3 months so it was only fair.

The other hadn’t been shopped since the summer, so no discount was needed for me to spend a truckload of hard earned moolagh, I even splashed out on next day delivery!

Diary, I have lost my way and I don’t know how to find my way back.

In the meantime, whilst lost, I will try on my goodies…..Let me know if you find the frugal me.

x M x


instagram -

Less Junk Food [8 Brioches]

Why howdy!

I don’t know about you, but it’s kind of summer time, people are going away on holiday and when it isn’t raining, everyone has their legs out and the little toned cows that I am jealous of, are flaunting their sexy bodies.

Not only have my cropped tops been tucked away in my “what were you thinking” suitcase, I am severely unfit.

You know what, I can’t blame it on being asthmatic anymore! My asthma has nothing to do with why I think having 8 brioches in the space of a few hours is acceptable! (In my defence, I hadn’t had breakfast…)

So now that my lurrrve life is stable and I can no longer bring you Diary of a Dater or to the like…I will walk with you on my journey to getting FIT. Now I don’t mean doing a couple of crunches so that I can restore my washboard abs (take that with a pinch of salt) I mean being able to eat better (no more junk food, or in my case, less junk food) and exercising.

I can’t rely on my fast metabolism anymore, so now’s the time, to get myself motivated!

For me, the first step was starting to eat better. Less Junk Food. This involved actually saying goodbye to Marks & Spencers ready meals and ending my relationship with Papa John and GoGo Pizza!

if you take a peek at my Instagram ( – you can see that I have tried to ditch the take-away menus and started rustling up some delicious meals! My fear of my food not tasting good is slowly starting to crumble away.

My favourite go to dish is chicken accompanied with some Quinoa and vegetables (asparagus is quickly becoming my first choice!) Simple, easy and tasty! I can mix around what I can season the chicken with and my number 1 recipe, maybe not particularly healthy as it’s stuffed with cheese, BUT; chicken stuffed with blue cheese, then smothered with cranberry sauce, with Quinoa and asparagus! DE-LISH! Chicke/Quinoa/Asp

I want to keep this post brief, so tune in next time when I give you an account of my first jog in what seems like 10 years!

Stay fit and healthy, because I struggle!

Kisses x

A Friday Night with No Burrito!

Well hello folks! – Its sure been heck of a while!

During this hiatus, so many things have happened! First things first: Finn from Glee was found DEAD with HEROIN and alcohol in his body! Jeeez! I mean really? Heroin! I bet the whole Glee cast are all on drugs to keep them perky and alive for filming! All you Glee perverts, don’t get me wrong, I love Glee! *waves Glee concert foam hand in the air like I just don’t care* – but heroin, let’s be real for a second. That’s no party drug, that’s some serious ass addict shit.

It smells like Chuppa Chopps strawberries and cream lollipop!

It smells like Chuppa Chopps strawberries and cream lollipop!

In other news, I have discovered Original Source’s Vanilla Milk and Raspberry shower gel. Heaven [Heh-eh-ven] – cue orgasm sounds whilst showering!

ooh ooh it turns out, that knight in shining armour was the real deal. He’s still here! 4 months later and he’s only tried to kill me once! (Kidding!) I can’t even try and make a joke out of our relationship, it’s fantastic and I have become that annoying person on Instagram that posts pictures of us in cutesy poses! Don’t judge me, just like it or scroll down!

I have ashamedly been ignoring my duties as an E4 crony! I have not been shouting out for the new shows that have aired or come back to us! *hangs head in shame*

What I can say about the shows is that I don’t like Youngers. I don’t really care about seeing “youths of today” and how someone portrays their “lives”. I no longer care about SKINS, I’ve grown up now and I don’t give a damn about what Effie likes to suck.

MISFITS - Rudy is my fave!

MISFITS – Rudy is my fave!

What I do have time for is MISFITS! MISFITS is making a comeback and that, I have all the time in the world for! Misfits, Misfits, Misfits! Zap!

I have, thanks to my sexy boyfriend, have discovered Tortilla in Hammersmith and by god man! The burritos there are absolutely diviiiiiine! So delicious that I don’t even have the time to Instagram a photo because I am already halfway through eating my pulled pork baby before I stop for a sip on my juice!

The reason why I bring this up, is because, today, I finished work late. Busy catching up on all the lives I’ve had to say and it wasn’t an easy decision, but I’d fought with myself and came to a (good) decision. It’s payday Friday, I’ve worked hard this week, so I DESERVE a burrito.

I walk through the valley of death (walking to Wood Lane station, get on the new Hammersmith & Shitty) and walk up to Tortilla doors to see the most upsetting thing I had seen all day, week even! CLOSED. What, the, hell! The neighbour above them left the tap on and caused a flood in my beloved eaterie! BLAST YOU NEIGHBOUR. BLAST-YOU. *shakes fist*

So, I casually walk past and pretend that I wasn’t wanting to stuff my face and stroll down to Primark where I buy myself a £3 travel pillow, because, well, I can. I find myself in a fast food restaurant (which I am too ashamed to name) and taking my sordid purchase home. And here I am; munching on my **chicken sandwich and starting up my online journal for you all to read.

Let me punch this writing session in the throat so I can sip on my flat coke and I will be back for more crap talk soon! J

Super Kisses x