Pre date vital stats based on online profile and text/phone conversations
Looks: potential 6/10
Banter level: 3/10
Causes for concern: father to a very young child
After only about a week of messaging Robin* asked if he could take me out to dinner. The conversation hadn’t been mind blowing but he had sold himself as ‘an intellectual with a passion for travel and music’ so I was hoping there would be more to him in person. I normally would have turned down this kind of invite but having over spent on bikinis I had pretty much no funds to eat out. A free meal sounded great even if it was under slightly sketchy circumstances.
Things didn’t get off to a great start. Firstly I was promised a ‘dinner date’ which was somehow downgraded to ‘drinks’. Secondly he was late, an unfortunate side effect of dating men of black descent. I’m no lover of suits but what I really hate is an ill-fitting suit, which is exactly what my date was wearing. I’m not even really sure what the cut was supposed to be but it reminded me of those guys with tatty briefcases that try to sell you Victoria Jackson products outside Shepherds Bush station.
Once we got to the bar the conversation was pretty strained, knowing that my belly wasn’t going to be fed gave me little motivation to make an overwhelming effort. Although Robin did look like his pictures he was definitely a more weathered version. Imagine a vase that you’ve broken and subsequently tried to fix with superglue… yep it was like that. Halfway through he decided he was a bit peckish and decided to order a sharing platter. Now my understanding of sharing platters is that their contents are split 50/50 amongst the persons dining. I spotted a delicious chorizo skewer thingy and decided to save the best til last. This was clearly a dating rookie error! As I lift my head from sipping my cocktail I see that Robin is helping himself to the second skewer, MY skewer! This must be a mistake I think to myself, he’ll soon realize the error of his ways and stop… No such luck, he went on to hoover down about 80% of the food leaving me with some limp potatoes and garnish.
To make matters worse as we were leaving I couldn’t shake the feeling that Robin really reminded me of someone. It was the awkward geekiness and lack of spatial awareness and clumsiness. Then it struck me – his mannerisms were exactly the same as my brothers! This date was officially DEAD.
He messaged me later asking to see me again. Just because we’d had a debate about whether Dr. Dre was really a producer or not he’d somehow got the impression that the evening went well. I told him I was busy for the foreseeable future…
Vital post date stats
Banter level: 2/10
Causes for concern: father to a very young son, penchant for charity shop suits, inability to control hunger pangs, a really large booty
Hope I have better luck next time….
Fake ‘M’ xxx
* Names have been changed to protect the identities of the unfortunate souls involved in this encounter